


Bruce Wayne's Bachelor Party; AKA Batman meets the Hangover

by BadBlond099



Category: Batman - All Media Types, The Hangover (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Bachelor Party, Dick Grayson's famous ass, Drugs, F/M, Gambling, Gen, General Dickery, Guess who found a baby?, Jason and a camera are dangerous, Las Vegas, Nudity, Questionable consent to party, Road Trip, Strippers, Taser abuse, The Hangover goes Batman, ice bar, missing person, tigers!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:41:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24482935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadBlond099/pseuds/BadBlond099
Summary: Damian swore under his breath and contemplated throwing his phone into the pool when it started ringing in his clenched hand. He picked up without even checking the caller ID. “I swear, if you don’t have good news for me—”[Just shut up and listen, brat,] Jason’s voice on the other line was raspy and tired, [we . . . we fucked up.]“What do you mean you fucked up? You know she’s going to kill—”Holly snatched the phone right out of Damian’s hand. “Jason? Jason, what the fuck!? Where are you guys?”[It’s bad.]“What’s bad? How bad? Like, no wedding bad?”[Yeah . . . a little worse than that . . .]
Relationships: Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake/Stephanie Brown
Comments: 41
Kudos: 65





	1. The Kidnapping of Bruce Wayne

**Author's Note:**

> I love the Hangover movies more than I should. There's a certain fondness that comes with them. Well, reading a few parts of the Prelude to the Wedding a while back made me think just how funny it would be if our favorite ex-Robins found themselves in a similar situation.
> 
> Hence this was born! Not that I need ANOTHER ongoing story to worry about, but at least I know this one has a limited length to it. And it's just too fun a concept to keep to myself. So yeah, while fighting through the problems with my other stories, I'll throw in one more to keep me preoccupied! Sorry not sorry!
> 
> Well, here's where it begins! Here's hoping it's enjoyable! Also, for anyone unfamiliar with my writing...I adore Jason and yes, I've made him into a complete asshole.

[You have reached Bruce Wayne’s private line—]

CLICK.

[You have reached Dick Grayson’s phone. I’m not—]

CLICK.

[If you called this number on purpose, say the code word and someone will contact y—]

CLICK.

[Hey!]

“Finally! Tim! You’d better have a good excuse for not—”

[Yeah, I’m not here right now. Leave your—]

CLICK.

Damian swore under his breath and contemplated throwing his phone into the pool when it started ringing in his clenched hand. He picked up without even checking the caller ID. “I swear, if you don’t have good news for me—”

[Just shut up and listen, brat,] Jason’s voice on the other line was raspy and tired, [we . . . we fucked up.]

“What do you mean you fucked up? You know she’s going to kill—”

Holly snatched the phone right out of Damian’s hand. “Jason? Jason, what the fuck!? Where are you guys?”

[It’s bad.]

“What’s bad? How bad? Like, no wedding bad?”

[Yeah . . . a little worse than that . . .]

***

“Can I be the first to say I really don’t like fittings?” Tim complained as Bruce’s personal tailor felt up his leg for the inseam. “Urk. Really out of practice since I moved out of the mansion.”

“Get over yourself, Drake,” Damian said, his arms crossed as he underwent the same process. “Not like you have anything to even be embarrassed about.”

Tim scoffed. “Not sure if that’s a compliment or not. Either way, don’t talk about my dick, weirdo.”

“Did I hear my name?” Dick entered the fitting room, his new tuxedo already on. Tim and Damian couldn’t help but smirk.

Alfred smiled in the corner of the room. “It’s so good to see you boys together.”

“Don’t get sappy on us, Jeeves. It’s bad enough Father is even going through this stupid ceremonial crap,” Damian said.

“I think it’s nice,” Tim said. “Besides, he and Selina have been on-again-off again for way too long at this point. It’s about time they made it official.”

“What’s important is that the big man’s happy,” Dick reminded them. “This is going to be fun.”

“Since when are wedding’s fun?” Damian grumbled.

“He’s not talking about the wedding,” Tim said with a wink.

“Alright. Mr. Drake, young master Wayne, you’re good to go. Please change back into your normal clothes. Your tuxedos will be ready at the end of the day.” The tailor hung his measuring tape over his shoulder and bowed to Alfred before leaving the room.

Damian was working off the pinned jacket when he asked, “What the hell ARE you two talking about?”

“Let’s just say, this isn’t the whole groom’s party,” Dick said.

Damian scowled at him. “What aren’t you telling me?”

“There are plans in place to ensure that Master Bruce has a proper bachelor’s party, Master Damian, and that is all you need to know. Naturally, only those old enough to consume alcohol will be participating. And I wouldn’t dare interrupt. Not as spry as I once was,” Alfred explained.

“T-T. How are you guys going to surprise Father?” Damian pulled his shirt on and looked back only to be horrified by what he saw.

Tim had an arm around Dick’s shoulders and they were both grinning. “We have a secret weapon,” Tim said.

Dick covered his eyes and started laughing. “How am I supposed to take you seriously without your pants on? Geez, man.”

***

“Alfred, where is the company dinner tonight?”

“The Raditz, sir. I apologize for the delay. Traffic tonight is simply awful.”

Bruce didn’t like the idea of a company dinner. Of all people, Alfred knew how inactivity at night made him anxious. It wasn’t a need, it was a worry. A little voice in the back of his head screaming out reminders of just how crime-ridden Gotham was. Just because he was taking a night off didn’t mean that criminals were.

“Don’t worry, Master Bruce. Master Kane is on active duty tonight.”

“Kate? But what about—”

Something in the overhead mirror caught Bruce’s eye and in the next second he’d thrown a punch at his ski-masked attacker. To his astonishment, the assailant redirected his fist and pinned his arm using a judo hold. “How did you get in this car?”

“Shit. You really don’t know how to relax, old man.”

“Jason?”

“My apologies, sir, but this is for your own good.” Alfred turned in his seat and shoved a needle into Bruce’s neck, quickly pressing the plunger.

“What are you . . .” Bruce’s vision became blurry quickly. “How dare you . . .”

Bruce’s body went limp and Jason proceeded to take off his red ski mask and hop out of the trunk compartment to sit next to his unconscious father figure. He took an embarrassing selfie with Bruce and sent the picture to Dick and Tim to let them know that it was on. “Thanks Alfred. I can get a few good licks in when he’s off guard, but a broken jaw would not be a fun way to start this party.”

“It will be up to you boys to put him in a better mood in time for his big day,” Alfred said as he proceeded to drive them to the rendezvous point. Tim and Dick were already waiting by a gaudy red convertible.

Tim opened the car door and Jason crawled over Bruce awkwardly, falling hands first onto the gravel before recovering. “I’m okay. Meant to do that.”

Tim peeked in the car and whistled. “He’s going to be so pissed when he wakes up.”

“S’cool. I disarmed him.” Jason took Bruce’s suit jacket out of the front seat and showed off all the tools that he kept hidden in various inseam pockets.

“Just to be sure…” Dick removed Bruce’s belt as well and tossed it into the seat with his jacket. “Now help me move him into the car.”

Jason and Dick got under Bruce’s arms on each side while Tim hoisted up Bruce’s legs and they shuffled him over to the convertible. They settled him into the back seat and Jason took a pair of sunglasses out of the glove compartment, placing them over their mentor’s eyes. “You know, small part of me wants to tie him up just to be sure, but I feel like that’s not cool to do to the bachelor in question.” Instead he took another embarrassing selfie before jumping over the seats to claim shotgun. “Let’s hit the road, Jack!”

“Please mind the time, young masters,” Alfred said. “You don’t want to keep the bride-to-be waiting.”

Tim and Dick settled into the car—Dick in the driver’s seat and Tim with the limp Bruce propped against him in the back. “How come Jason gets shotgun?”

“Because I’m older than you, better than you, cooler than you—”

“And because Bruce is going to want to kill him when he wakes up, so he’s allowed to keep some distance,” Dick finished for Jason. “Buckle up, boys!”

The drive wasn’t exactly the exciting trip that they had wanted, mostly because they started at night. Jason tried frequently to spice up the trip by convincing Dick to let him drive, but Dick was adamant about remaining the only one behind the wheel. Tim was completely immersed in his phone until keeping his head down for so long resulted in motion sickness and Dick had to pull over just off the freeway to let him hurl his guts out.

Dick commented, at the time, just how impressive it was that Bruce was still sleeping through it all.

Jason explained, bemusedly, that Alfred had elected to use a horse tranquilizer on him.

Once back on the road, Tim (still feeling a little woozy) whined and begged until Dick pulled over at a gas station. Tim hit up the bathroom to get rid of what was left in his system, Jason checked out the shop for provisions, and Dick was left filling up the car and babysitting their father figure.

“Oh my God! Those men are having a freak-gasoline-fight!”

“Wha?”

“Ha! There’s one for the scrap book.” Jason had snapped yet another candid shot of Dick freaking out next to the car. He had a large paper bag resting in his left arm as he worked the phone with his free hand. “Oh man, your face is priceless.”

“Are you going to be doing that the whole trip?”

“Uh huh.” He tucked his phone away and loaded himself back into the car with the fruit of his labors. Dick watched in disgust as Jason pulled out a gas station burger and unwrapped it.

“You want one?”

“My body is a temple,” Dick said. “Honestly, how can you even eat that?”

“My body is a temple too. One of those kama sutra, tantric temples. Worship at your own risk.”

Dick scoffed. “You’re gross.”

“Who’s gross?” Tim’s face was still pale when he rejoined them, but upon seeing what Jason was eating, it turned alarmingly green. “Oh.”

Jason held up a finger, motioning for them to wait a moment while he dug through his bag, pulling out a granola bar and offering it to Tim. “Frrr yer, shtomach,” he said through a mouthful.

“You’re an asshole,” Tim said.

“You guysh er shticksh ‘n vuh mud.” Jason continued to eat sloppily just to watch them squirm, which delayed the continuation of their drive as Tim had to make another run to the bathroom.

When they finally hit the road again they blasted old rock music rather than try to talk over the wind. In just under an hour they were on the Las Vegas strip, admiring the lights. Only then did Bruce begin to stir.

“Sleeping Brucey rises at last! Say ‘bachelor party’!”

“Where the fuck am I?”

Jason grimaced at his phone screen. “Is ‘pissed off’ the only facial expression you have?”

“Where. The fuck. Am I?” Bruce repeated in a menacing growl.

“Where do you think, Detective?” Dick pulled into the valet lot under Caesar’s Palace. “We’re here for you.”

“Turn this car around. Now.”

“Not happening, old man. We’ve got everything covered. Damian and his team are on watch, Kate’s sticking around Gotham, and Alfred’s keeping an eye on Selina and the rest of the wedding plans,” Tim explained. “For the next twenty-four hours, you’re ours.”

Dick pulled up to the valet and the Robins all stepped out of the car. “This is irresponsible,” Bruce grunted.

“Then blame Jason,” Dick suggested. “That always makes things easier.”

Jason shrugged and grabbed his paper bag from the car. “Don’t look at me. Alfred’s the one who tranqed you.”

“Um. I will need everyone out of the car before I move it,” the valet muttered.

Bruce remained stubbornly in his seat.

“Look, we could argue about this forever, holding up the line, or you could come in and actually enjoy a night on the town with three of your only friends. One night and one day. We’ll have you back tomorrow to brood all you want in time to catch your own wedding the next day. What do you say?”

Bruce didn’t even blink.

“Oh well. Guess it’s time to tell the WHOLE WORLD BRUCE WAYNE’S BIGGEST SECRET!” Jason bellowed.

At that Bruce was out of the car fast enough to cup a hand over Jason’s mouth. “Resorting to threats? Seriously? Have you no shame?”

Tim smirked. “Got to admit, Jason’s methods are effective.”

“Never admit that,” Bruce and Dick said together. Jason just laughed as the valet drove the rental car off.

The four of them went up to check in together and Jason leaned against the counter and laid the charm on thick. “Hey, beautiful. You got a suite open?”

“You must be joking,” Bruce grumbled.

Jason’s eyes flicked back only briefly before his flirtatious grin sank into a devious smile. “I’m sorry, I was under the impression that Bruce Wayne didn’t accept anything less than the finest accommodations. If I’m wrong, please let me know. I wouldn’t want to upset the great Bruce Wayne.”

Bruce’s scowl turned into a murderous expression that only seemed to goad Jason on.

“Bruce Wayne? Like, the Bruce Wayne?” the service woman asked, giving just the response that Jason was hoping for. “Oh wow. H-how can I help you s-sir?”

Jason leaned close to her and said in a coy whisper, “Brucey-boy here’s getting a bonafide bachelor party. He’s being a little stubborn because the fiancé’s a real ball-buster and he’s scared of what she’ll find out about. So it would help us out if you could give us your most private suite, send up some really high class dancers—money is, obviously, no issue—and keep this all on the DL. Just until the end of the week. I’ll be honestly disappointed if there isn’t a huge media report on the Wayne bachelor party after he’s tied the knot.”

The service woman was blushing hotly and trying not to stare directly at Jason.

Dick pushed Jason aside and handed the woman an ID and credit card. She looked at it and squeaked a bit, recognizing the name. “Okay. Okay. Um, VIP Suite is on the top floor. The elevator doesn’t even show the floor. You just go into room 546. There’s a secret lift in the closet that takes you up. Will that be private enough?”

“You’re the best, Jacy,” Dick said, reading her name off her tag.

Jacy blushed even hotter and quickly plugged some information into her computer system. When she was done she magnetized four cards and handed them and Dick’s stuff back. “We have a few dancers on call. I can send them up whenever you’re ready.”

“I don’t think we really need—”

“We get room service, right? We’ll give a ring when we’re ready for them,” Jason said, snatching a key card right out of Dick’s hand and heading towards the elevator.

Tim scoffed and followed him while Dick looked to Bruce, feeling a looming sense of dread.

“You don’t have to suck all the fun out of this,” Dick mumbled, tucking his cards away in his wallet. “No one here’s trying to get anything out of you. Gotham’s in good hands. Hell, even Clark’s on Alfred’s speed dial. Jimmy Olsen couldn’t get him to show up as quickly as Alfred can tonight. Selina’s also being pampered. We’re not asking you to do anything you haven’t had to do at Wayne Industry corporate parties.”

Bruce’s scowl didn’t let up in the slightest, but he moved towards the elevator in front of Dick.

The two of them caught up with the others just as the elevator doors opened to a man zipping up his slacks and a woman fixing her hair and lipstick.

“All right then,” Jason said with a scoff, stepping in before the rest of them.

The man cleared his throat and muttered, “Going up?”

“Something certainly is,” Jason joked, making the others roll their eyes.

Thankfully the couple got off just a few floors up. “This place is depraved,” Tim commented.

“You’re going to make me regret bringing you along. Are you even old enough to drink?” Jason teased.

“Are you even—”

“Boys, come on. Can’t we all just get along?” Dick threw in playfully, inciting a little argument. Only during this did Bruce crack the slightest hint of a smile.

CLICK!

Jason snickered at his cell phone screen and Bruce’s smile was gone. “Delete it,” he demanded coldly.

“Aaand too late! Selina and Alfred got the…oops…and Damian…”

Bruce growled and Dick snatched the phone away from Jason. “That’s enough of that then. The goal is to make the bachelor happy, not murderous.”

They arrived at the last floor the elevator would take them to. Room 546 was all the way at the end of the hall. The keycard worked on the door and it opened into a pretty standard hotel room with two queen size beds, a television, a bathroom, and a window. Jason eagerly opened the closet and inside was just a standard safe. Jason popped it open before setting a lock code and found a remote inside. “This is awesome!” He pushed the button with a star on it and the floor of the closet began to rise. He caught Dick’s arm and Tim stumbled in as well. Bruce watched as his boys moved up into the ceiling.

The lift let out to another closet, but this room was significantly different. The far wall was entirely windows, a large circular couch rested in a lowered portion of the middle of the room around a fireplace. A whole kitchen and stocked bar connected to an enclosed outdoor deck. A couple of opened doors showed two bedrooms and a third opened into a much larger bedroom.

“Holy fucking awesome, Batman,” Jason blurted out.

Dick took the remote from him and pushed him and Tim out into the suite. “Speaking of, it’s kind of a bad move to leave him down there. I’ll be right back.”

Tim went to check out the bedrooms and Jason hopped over the bar counter and began going through what was on hand. By the time Dick and Bruce reached the suite Jason was already pouring a few glasses of scotch. “Let the festivities begi—”

“Hey’yo! You’re go for Timbers!”

Jason stopped pouring when they heard Tim answer his phone like that. He was still in one of the bedrooms. Dick snickered and motioned for Jason to join him. They crept up to the doorway and waited for the right moment.

“N-no! Steph, it’s his…No, I know that but…I’m practically 21…No, nothing bad has—”

“Yo Tim-bers! Can you show me how to work this bong again?”

“Quit hogging the cocaine!”

Tim slammed the door in their faces and they laughed and pounded on the door until Dick realized Bruce was staring at them through an angry gaze. Jason gave the door one last pound before returning to his new designated position at the bar. “What’ll it be, old man?”

“I have no need to dull my senses.”

Dick draped himself over Bruce, urging him towards the counter. “Bruce. We’re not going to give up until you relax a little. We’re in Vegas! City of lights! We’ll go see a show or two, hit up the high roller tables, maybe see a dueling piano’s bar—”

“Bitches n’ booze, boys. That’s the only way to go!” Jason exclaimed, pushing a glass of scotch towards Bruce. “I hear there’s an actual Vigilante Burlesque show. If we’re lucky, we’ll find you a stripper with a penchant for black leather and cat ears.”

Tim finally joined them, tucking his smartphone into his back pocket. “You know, Bruce is pretty lucky he found out about his leather furry-fetish the way he did. Most people pay big money to have a girl whip them behind closed doors.”

Bruce’s usual scowl only seemed to deepen.

“Okay, before we piss off the groom-to-be any further, you got the stuff, Tim?”

Tim held up a bottle of Scotch that made Jason whistle.

“Do I even want to know what that cost?”

“More than my college tuition,” Tim announced proudly. “We had Alfred help us pick it out. Said, without question, it would be the most expensive thing any of us would ever taste.”

“You shouldn’t spend money carelessly.”

“Bruce, please, you’ve probably spent the same just catering one of your stupid ‘make the rich feel better about their awful personalities’ charity events,” Jason whined as he fished around in a cabinet until he found four shot glasses. “Do us a favor and take the stick out of your ass. We’re all here to have a good time with you. Can you stop making that so difficult?”

Bruce brooded quietly while Jason poured out the shots and distributed them, but a friendly elbow from Dick made him sigh and pick up the glass. “I can honestly say I never thought I’d be getting married. And stranger still; I’m celebrating that with my sons.”

“Not like you have any friends,” Jason mumbled, earning a much harder elbow from Tim.

“I’m trying to say that I’m happy to be here. Maybe not here, specifically, but where I am in life? It’s…it’s not bad.”

Dick raised his glass first. “To the man who helped us all.”

“And the ass who isn’t perfect,” Jason added, holding his glass up. “And before you hit me again, pipsqueak, he’s not!”

Tim sighed and lifted his glass. “To Bruce and Selina.”

Bruce gave a soft chuckle and raised his glass. “To my family.”

Their glasses clinked and they all threw back their first shot of the night…

…and the rest of the night passed in a blur…


	2. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys wake up to all kinds of confusion and a distinct lack of Bruce.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Return of the crack! Whoo! Sorry this is slow going. Writing slump has me moving a little slow. This is a fun distraction, though! I hope the mental images make you smile!

Jason woke up to a throbbing headache. He peeled himself off the floor of the VIP suite and groaned. How had they spent so much money on a room with enough beds for everyone and he wound up on the floor? Stupid.

Of course, once he got to his feet and stumbled, he could see how he might have managed to make it back to the room and completely miss a bed.

“The fuck did we do last night?” he muttered to the empty lounge room. At first glance it looked like the place had been hit by tornado. Trash, torn apart furniture, and a disturbing number of dildos lying around. Jason tip-toed through the chaos, working his way towards Tim’s bedroom. Not feeling like showing any sympathy, he all-but kicked the door in. “Wakey wakey, Timbers! Look ali— ai! Whoa! Okay, Dick, what. the. FUCK!?”

Dick was in Tim’s bed, buck-naked and wrapped around a large number of pillows. Upon Jason’s abrupt entrance he flailed a bit in confusion. “Wha? Wha’s…Jay? Fuck. Did we get beat up? I feel awful…”

Jason turned his head to keep from staring. “Yeah. I don’t fucking remember anything past taking shots. Where the hell’s Tim? No, don’t answer that. Just… go find some pants, please? Fuck, I’d be more comfortable if you had a towel on at least.” He slammed the door and could hear Dick groaning at him over the sound from the impact.

“Timbers? Bruce? This is the weirdest game of hide-and-seek I’ve ever played!” Jason went to the main bathroom, figuring he might find one or both men clinging to the toilet considering just how bad his head felt.

THUNK!

Upon opening the door, it hit something. He peeked around to find Tim struggling to sit upright. Apparently he had been passed out just on the other side of the door. “That can’t have been a fun way to wake up.”

“Y’think?” Tim snapped, rubbing what was sure to be a serious bump on his forehead. “Ooooh, I feel like death.” He struggled to pull himself up and groaned, leaning over the bathroom sink. “What the hell did we do last night?” He looked at Jason, who was now staring at him with wide eyes and a hand pressed over his mouth. “What? Is there something on my face?” He turned to look in the mirror and nearly jumped out of his skin. There was a mess of blood all down the front of his shirt. “Holy—” Upon speaking, he saw the gap in his own mouth. “I’M MISSING A TOOTH?”

Jason shuddered. “I’m glad it’s just that. That much blood, it wouldn’t surprise me to find out you killed someone.”

“This RELIEVES you?”

“EYAAAAAH!”

Dick came scrambling out of his room, still naked as the day he was born.

“Dick, buddy, did you forget something?” Jason asked, exasperated and obviously feeling the pounding in his head more after that less-than-manly screech. “Little concerned that I’ve got to ask you to cover up twice.”

“THERE’S A TIGER IN MY ROOM!”

Jason rolled his eyes. “Tell me we didn’t drop acid last night. Last thing we need is to be hallucinating in Vegas.” Jason crossed the common room and opened the door Dick had just slammed shut.

RRRRRRR.

And slammed it right back shut. “Holy fuck, dude, there’s two!” The smile on his face looked a little insane. “There are two real-life tigers in there!”

Tim poked his head out and muttered, “Her dif we gut ter trrgrrs inchr va hercher?” with a wad of tissues shoved against his apparently still bleeding gum.

“What was—” Dick finally got a good look at Tim and squeaked. “Did they get you? Oh god, Tim’s dying! And where’s Bruce? DID THEY EAT BRUCE?”

Jason groaned and threw a discarded dildo at Dick’ nailing him in the head. “Calm the fuck down, please. Tim’s just missing a tooth. And Tim, I have no clue how we got two tigers into the hotel. In fact, I have no clue what we did last night at all. So if you guys want to explain why Dick was dick-out in your room and you were bleeding out from your face in that bathroom, I’d appreciate it.” He gave the main area a once over and added, “I’d also love to know when the dildo-tornado came through, I mean damn.”

Tim took the wad of tissues from his mouth and said, “You were in MY room naked?” looking disgustedly at Dick.

“I don’t know why,” Dick said quickly. “I don’t even remember where my clothes went.”

“Yeah, well I’m not sending you back into the tigers’ den to get pants, but would you PLEASE get something on?”

Dick picked the throw pillows up off the couch and asked, “Where’s your stuff? Let me borrow something.”

Jason pointed to the main closet/elevator. “I tossed my shit in there early on. Grab whatever, just grab something.”

“Alright, alright!” Dick wandered over to the closet while Jason gathered various odd things scattered about the room and Tim got control of the bleeding in his mouth. But when Dick opened the closet, the problems all started anew. “Uhh. Guys?”

“There’d better not be a third tiger in the closet,” Jason said with a huff as he went over and wound up shoving Dick out of the way. “YOU’RE FLASHING A CHILD!”

Tim poked his head out of the bathroom. “Did I hear someone say child?”

The sound of an infant crying rang out as Jason hoisted up the little baby carrier that had been stashed in the closet.

Dick scrambled around Jason’s feet to get at his duffel and finally claim some clothes for himself. Once dressed he and Tim were both over Jason’s shoulders, staring at the baby in confused wonder.

“Guys, seriously… What the FUCK did we do last night?”

*

Tim would have preferred to stay back in their hotel room to gather their thoughts and seek out evidence, but Dick pointed out that it was hazardous to have a baby anywhere near two tigers and upon reaching the room that led up to the secret suite they found that it had been equally trashed. So they wound up heading to the hotel’s famous pool. Because of his ghost-like complexion, he laid claim to a table in the shade and proceeded to lather himself up with as much sunscreen as possible while waiting for the others and people watching.

Dick was stopped by a group of girls out on a bachelorette party. Despite his protests, they insisted on getting compromising pictures with him and feeling him up. By the time he made it to the table he’d spilled half of one of the glasses of ice water he’d grabbed on himself and looked even more worse for wear.

“I feel like death,” he muttered, draping himself onto the table.

“At least you’re not missing a tooth,” Tim brought up.

“Yeah, I guess there’s…” The two of them were both distracted as Jason reached the table; tall bloody mary in hand, front baby-carrier strapped to his chest, and wearing aviator sunglasses that matched the pair the baby now had on as well.

“You’re still drinking?” Dick questioned.

“Hair of the dog that bit you. Plus, this thing’s got enough garnishes it’s practically a salad.”

“It’s really not.”

“You got the baby sunglasses?”

“And I found sunscreen for babies at the gift shop. Can’t let Lil’ D’artagnan burn.”

“I had sunscreen,” Tim pointed out. “And what did you just call him?”

“He’s a baby, Timbers. Sensitive skin and delicate. And I figured he’s the fourth to our weird little band of musketeers, so D’artagnan suits him.”

“We’re not keeping the baby,” Dick said. “Jesus, why is that even an issue?”

Jason shrugged. “Obviously. But we’ve got to take care of the little guy. Now, did you guys come up with any answers while I was busy?”

Tim groaned. “I don’t remember even leaving the hotel last night.”

“Did you guys check your phones?” Dick tried. “We haven’t even tried calling Bruce yet!”

Tim was the first to get his phone in hand and he tried Bruce’s regular cell immediately.

[We’re sorry, the number you’re calling is not in service.]

Dick tried his work line.

[We’re sorry, the number you’re calling…]

And Jason tried his Bat-Communicator number.

BEEP BEEP!

Jason jumped and fished the communicator out of his back pocket. “Well, I found his communicator…” Along with the communicator, a few other odd things came out of Jason’s pocket and Tim snatched quickly at one particular item.

“Dude, this is a hospital bracelet.” He checked over the information. “You were in the hospital last night! You got discharged at four AM.”

“Huh. Y’know, I feel like any other hangover.”

“Quick, turnout your pockets!” Tim demanded. “Let’s see if we can get any other clues!”

“I’m wearing Jason’s pants,” Dick pointed out as he pulled a condom out of one pocket. “Dude!”

“Don’t diss ‘cuz I’m responsible,” Jason mumbled as he dumped the contents of his pockets on the table. “Trash, trash, trash—”

“That’s a condom wrapper,” Dick noted.

“Which is trash. You wanna do detective work with that, be my guest.” He kept picking through until he came across a receipt. “Here’s something. Apparently I won twelve bucks on a machine at the Hard Rock. Guess we left the strip at some point.”

Tim proceeded to dump a number of poker chips and aces from various decks out of his pockets. Both Jason and Dick couldn’t help but smirk. “Well… Looks like I gambled and… possibly cheated at a few places in Old Town too… Which is annoying. I know how to count cards.”

“But do you know how to count cards drunk?” Jason brought up before sucking down more of his liquid breakfast.

“Guys, get it together.” It was high time for Dick to take charge of the situation. “Based on all the evidence we’ve got a lot of ground to cover. Bruce could be anywhere in Vegas at this point.”

“Or in a tiger’s stomach.”

“We are staying positive!” Dick snapped, shooting Jason a quick glare.

“Okay. I’m positive there’s a couple tigers in our hotel room and I’m positive we didn’t pick them up and walk them through the whole city without SOMEONE noticing. Take it easy. We’ll find B, get our shit together, and write this off as a fever dream.” He finished off his drink and stood up. “I vote we check the hospital first. If we got drugged, hopefully they’ll know.”

Dick downed some water before following Jason away from the pool.

“Wait! Shouldn’t we call Selina or something?” Tim wondered, catching up.

“You wanna tell her we lost her man?”

“Okay, but we should tell SOMEBODY, right? Make sure they know why we’re running late.”

Jason scoffed and held his fingers to the side of his head. “Hey Stephalupagus! It’s ya boi, T-Dog! Just calling to say things are going great! We lost Bruce, but totally found a baby! Oh, and you’re going to love tonguing the new hole in my mouth!”

Tim slapped Jason’s hand away from his head and stomped ahead to call their car around.

“You’re such a jerk,” Dick said, hanging back a few steps with Jason. “He’s just trying to stay on top of the situation.”

“Well, when he figures out a better plan for the tigers than giving them to the bride-to-be as a weird present, I’ll consider him on top of the situation. ‘Til then, this is insane and I’m going to continue to enjoy it until it becomes a problem.”

The valet driver pulled up in front of Tim with a police car and stepped out, holding the keys out to him. “Here you go, officer.”

Dick stopped dead in his tracks and Tim didn’t even know what to say. Meanwhile Jason marched right over, snatched up the keys, and tried to squeeze in with the baby still on his chest. “Okay, somebody’s going to have to take D’artagnan.”

It took some arguing, but Dick finally managed to kick Jason out of the driver’s seat (the winning point being: ‘the guy who just drank his breakfast is not going to drive the cop car with a baby in it!’). Tim claimed the passenger seat up front and Jason was left with his mini-me in the back, acting as a human car-seat since they didn’t really have the time to find one.

“Can I just say how disturbing it is that baby hasn’t cried at all sine Jason’s been holding him?” Tim whispered to Dick. “I mean, he is the LAST guy I ever thought would be good with kids.”

“Why? He adores kids.”

“Yeah, kids who might be influenced by drug dealers and criminals he takes care of, sure. This is an infant, though.”

Dick scoffed and said, “Considering all of the condoms he’s got, it’s a miracle he doesn’t have one of his own.”

Jason tapped on the thick plastic between him and the front seats and told them, “This thing’s not as sound-proof as you think. And Dick, condoms help prevent pregnancy and disease transference. Quit acting like you’ve never used one before.”

Tim smirked and Dick flipped Jason off just in time for him to snap a picture with his cell phone.

“Hey! You were doing that the whole trip yesterday!” Tim brought up. “Do you have any picture evidence of where we went?”

“Tch. Yeah, I checked first thing on our way down to the pool. Sorry to say what few pictures I got are colorful, blurry messes. Let’s just be glad it looks like I didn’t text anybody… but Kori and Roy apparently.”

“What?” Dick nearly swerved off the road. “Oh god, what did you send Kori?”

Jason scoffed. “Sent them both a close up of your drooling face with the caption #DickPic.”

When they reached the hospital they went straight to the front counter, hoping to get some answers.

“Our friend was admitted here last night,” Tim began, nodding towards Jason, who kept his sunglasses on inside. “We were just wondering if anyone might be able to tell us why.”

The nurse at the counter looked at Jason curiously. He lowered his head slightly to look at her over his shades and her eyes nearly popped out of her head. “Oh god! He’s back!” She scrambled back to the ‘authorized personnel only’ area still screaming like a madwoman.

“Yep. Still got it,” Jason said, fixing his glasses.

“Whatever ‘it’ is, please don’t share it,” Tim replied.

The nurse returned with a doctor who looked just as surprised as she did. “It’s a medical miracle.”

Jason raised the baby’s arm and gave a playful wave.

It took some calming down, but they eventually got the doctor to explain his and the nurse’s reactions. “I remember you guys. Four of you came in last night in a panic because your friend wasn’t breathing.” He nodded towards Jason, still looking a little unnerved.

“Four of us!” Dick exclaimed. “That means Bruce was here too! Do you know what time we were in?”

“He was admitted at three thirty in the morning. We nearly took all four of you in. It looked like you’d seen better nights, and after screening him we found that not only was his blood-alcohol level off the charts, but there was something else unusual in his system.”

“Give it to me straight, Doc. The pretty boy at the bar kept eyeing me up. Did he slip a little sumn sumn into my drink?” Jason said only half-jokingly.

“It was unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Like some hypochondriac muddled together a bunch of drugs meant to knock people out. There was enough in your system to drop a horse.”

Jason rubbed the back of his neck. “Ah. I was kidding…”

“We tried to resuscitate you, but you weren’t breathing for so long, there was simply no way you could still have brain function.”

“Oh crap.” Jason leaned closer to Dick and whispered, “I think I know where this was going.”

“Just as I pronounced you dead, you sat back up shouting something about the little people attacking. I’ll admit, I thought it was some odd last-ditch effort on your body’s part, but here you are today.”

Dick slapped his forehead.

“Did you make a bet that you wouldn’t die?” Tim asked incredulously. “Who the hell would take that kind of bet?”

“I watched money exchange hands between the three of you in the gallery,” the doctor added. “Then the older man made sure to pay for the troubles like a hospital bill was nothing more than cab fare.”

“Is there any chance he said where he was going?”

“I’m afraid I was a little too surprised by the whole thing to pay much attention to what he said.”

Dick’s shoulders dropped.

“But you guys did mention coming here from an ice bar out in Old Town.”

“Is backtracking really going to help us find Bruce if we know he made it here with us?” Jason brought up.

“I think it would be good to fill in the gaps,” Tim argued. “Plus, maybe someone we encountered might know something about where Bruce could have wound up.”

Dick bobbed his head in an awkward bow for the doctor. “Thank you so much. I’m sorry for the trouble we caused.”

“Not at all! Actually, if your friend could spare the time, I would like to give him a follow-up examination. Just to confirm a few things.”

Jason put his hands up defensively. “Nope. Not a chance.”

They took their leave and, before reaching the cop car, Jason explained, “I can’t believe we played death chicken last night. What did we do that KILLED me?”

“FREEZE!”

All three of them had their hands up within seconds of hearing the word.

“You mother fuckers are under arrest!”

They turned around to find a woman in uniform with her gun pointed at them. The moment she saw the baby strapped to Jason’s chest she lowered it and clicked on the safety.

“Can we ask why?” Tim said as her partner came around and started cuffing him.

“You stole a fucking cop car! Why do you think?”

“This is going to sound really weird, but we don’t remember doing that,” Dick said honestly. “Did you see us stealing it? Maybe we were just trying to return it to you!”

“Yeah. You were caught on a nearby security camera and left a note on a napkin where the car had been.” She took a dirty napkin out of her pocket and read, “‘Sorry, Batmobile’s back at home. Needed something a little more bulletproof. Here’s a blank check for the damages.’”

Jason cleared his throat and mumbled, “You could still cash that and we could all just walk away.”

“The check was signed ‘Batman,’ and we’re not crooked, asshole. Now you’re coming with us.”

Her partner reached Jason, who kept his hands up. “Can we skip the cuffs? Gotta hold onto D’artagnan.”

“Your son is named D’artagnan?”

“Oh god, no. He’s not mine.”

Dick and Tim both groaned loudly.


	3. More Questions Than Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys help out the local police and check out a chilly location.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it takes a bit! Finished the chapter over the weekend but haven't had much time to edit.
> 
> Anywho, here's more ridiculousness for your reading pleasure! Next chapter will have more active nonsense rather than recalled nonsense.

“This is all, somehow, your fault,” Dick said with a groan, rubbing his face with his right hand, his left dangling out in the air, cuffed to Tim’s left wrist. He looked at Jason, who was sitting next to them with his right hand cuffed to Dick’s right wrist, which he let be dragged around as Dick needed it.

“I’m just surprised the police department has childcare,” he noted. “I don’t know if I’m relieved or concerned by that fact. Yo, Timbers, you get in touch with Alfred yet?”

Tim was using his free hand to work the old phone on the wall at the holding area. When someone picked up the other line he began uncomfortably shifting his feet. “Heyyy, Steph. Wasn’t sure you were going to pick up.”

Jason and Dick groaned together.

“You were supposed to call Alfred!”

“Tim, hurry up and pass the bong!”

Jason’s little joke fell on a harsh crowd as the already quiet room went dead silent.

“Right. Time and place.”

Tim rolled his eyes and tried to focus on his conversation. “No, that was just Jason being an ass. You know how he is… No, I’m not… We’re just trying to get Bruce to have a good time! … We’re uhh, I mean, o-of course we’re with Bruce. He’s uhh, he’s right here with us at the uhh—” he looked to the boys for help. Dick moved like he was doing the disco and Jason made a filthy gesture with his free hand “—Jeezus… I mean, we’re at a local, uh, chapel! I found some information on one in the area and we thought it’d be cool to check it out.”

Dick booed softly and Jason flipped Tim off.

“… No, we’d never go to a strip club… Okay, I would never let them drag me to a strip club… We’re just fine, honest!”

“Tell her about the part where we got arrested!” Jason said loud enough that the phone would pick it up.

“Time’s up, boys!”

“No! Just fine! Sorry! Love you! Gotta go!”

The officer who had arrested them snatched the phone out of his hand and slammed it on the receiver. “Come with me, dumbasses.”

Jason and Dick both stood up, revealing the tangled mess that was the way that they were cuffed together. Rather than allow Dick a moment to adjust between the two of them, Tim and Jason just dragged him along as they followed their arresting officer.

“Miss, I don’t think—”

“That’s officer Bauer to you, dumbass!”

Tim pursed his lips. “Officer Bauer, please, we can pay bail and cover any damages, I promise. We really have other things we need to be worried about.”

“Oh, so you think you can just pay bail and get away with whatever you want?” Officer Bauer started, waving her hands and speaking in a sarcastic tone.

“I mean, with bail and the cost for the ticket, aren’t you supposed to let us—”

“Think you can just come into OUR city and pretend you’re like the costumed freaks in Gotham?” her partner threw in.

“NOT IN MY CITY!”

Jason smirked while both Dick and Tim looked like they’d been personally called out.

“You idiots need to understand that your actions have real consequences!”

“So punish us,” Dick suggested. “Holding us here too long could reflect bad on you too, right? Let us do something that will help you, then take the bail. Then we can all call it a day.”

The officers looked at each other and smiled. “Well there is something.”

They were led to a back room where Officer Bauer took a taser off her belt. “Our department recently got new equipment, and we need to make sure that the tasers work.”

Jason snatched it out of her hand eagerly. “Oh yeah, no problem.” He pressed the prongs to the base of Dick’s neck and with one quick jolt (and a subsequent squeak from Dick), dropped him like a sack of rocks; which unfortunately pulled both himself and Tim down in the process. “Ffffuuuuck I forget we’re in civilian clothes. You okay Dickie?”

Tim rolled his eyes and offered, “By all means, tase HIM until he’s writhing on the floor. He’s probably earned it,” while gesturing towards Jason.

Bauer snatched her taser back, though she couldn’t hide her amused smirk. “Much as I appreciate the enthusiasm, we need an instructional video for new officers. So if you could just pick him up, we’ll need you boys on your knees.”

Dick whimpered as they tried awkwardly to hoist him back up, still struggling with their awkward setup. “I have to do that AGAIN?”

Bauer’s partner began uncuffing the boys so that they could all properly face the same direction at last while Bauer set up the tripod.

“So, this is going to be something you guys use for a few years to teach cadets?” Tim ventured to ask as he placed his hands behind his head.

“Cadets… youtube… you know how it is.”

“What was tha—AAAAUGH!”

Tim shook for a moment before fl0pping forward onto the floor like a fish out of water.

Dick dropped his head and muttered, “Why do I have to do this twi—YIIIIII!”

Jason locked is fingers behind his head and smiled. “You underestimate me if you think this will drop me like those two wus—” Jason shook, his whole body locking up, but somehow he stubbornly stayed up on his knees.

Bauer looked to her partner and whooped. “Tough guy! Looks like we’ve got a fighter! Jackson, you think you can give me a hand with our perp?”

Her partner, Jackson, stepped around the camera, taking out his own taser, and knelt right next to Jason’s convulsing form. “Feeling strong, huh? Well, everyone crumbles eventually.” He pressed his taser to Jason’s side, laughing as Jason twitched harder before hitting the floor like a sack of bricks.

*

Tim couldn’t stop laughing. “I don’t know what was worse! You getting shocked twice or you getting shocked by two tasers!” he bellowed, watching the video on his cell phone. He nearly doubled over at the sound of Dick’s panicked shriek.

Jason adjusted D’artagan’s carrier and muttered, “That was a serious abuse of authority. They could’ve killed me!”

Dick rolled his eyes. “And we’d have taken you to the hospital for another stupid resurrection gag. You’re fine. We should be more worried about the car.”

Jason let D’artagnan play with his pinky while he said, “I’m sure it’s fine. And even if it isn’t, who the hell cares? He’ll either get it fixed or buy a whole new car.”

“It was a rental. This’ll make his insurance rates skyrocket,” Dick reminded him.

Tim scoffed. “Like Bruce can’t afford it.”

An officer finally pulled around with the car and, to everyone’s surprise, there wasn’t a single scratch on it.

“Well now.”

“Who’d’ve thunk.”

“I’m driving.”

Tim and Dick both rolled their eyes. “You’re still in charge of the baby,” Dick said, gently pushing Jason away from the driver’s door.

“Why don’t you guys take him, huh?”

“Weird as it is, he’s attached to you,” Tim pointed out. “Why bother changing it up?”

They all settled into the car—Jason in the backseat with D’artagnan again—and Tim pulled up ‘ice bars in Old Town’ on his cell phone. “There’s really only one popular one, so hopefully this will be pretty easy.”

“I know it’s Bruce, so we shouldn’t even be, but I’m still worried. It doesn’t make sense that he hasn’t contacted us,” Dick said. “You don’t think we pissed him off so much that he just up and left, do you?”

“Probably stole a car and drove himself home.”

“Wouldn’t surprise me in the least.”

Dick slumped towards the steering wheel. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“Heeeey, looks like SOMETHING happened in here! Check it out!” Jason tossed something into Tim’s lap. He picked it up and stared at it dumbfounded for a moment. “HOLY CRAP, THAT’S A USED CONDOM!”

“WHAT?”

Jason laughed hysterically as Tim tossed the thing at Dick. When it bounced off his cheek and landed on his shoulder he pulled over, rolled the window down, and chucked it out the window. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS!?”

Jason and Tim both laughed until they heard a loud thumping.

“What the fuck?”

Tim hopped out of the car in a heartbeat. “Guys, I think it’s coming from the trunk!”

Dick launched himself out of the car in a frenzy. “WE LEFT BRUCE IN THE TRUNK!”

Jason got out and mumbled, “I really think Bruce could get himself out of a—”

But Dick didn’t listen, he just popped the trunk open…

… and a buck-naked man jumped out and glomped onto him.

“UWAAAAAH!”

Both Tim and Jason stood by in utter confused silence as the naked man assaulted a flailing Dick like a rabid raccoon.

Dick tripped over a rock and landed hard on his back. His attacker rolled over him and got to his feet. He ran off into the desert, flipping them off all the way while shouting, “HELL YEAH!”

“Y’know, he was vaguely familiar,” Tim mumbled.

“Wonder if the condom was his,” Jason blurted out. “Or maybe he was a hooker and we… well… no, probably too soon to ask those questions.”

“Jason, sometimes I just wish you’d shut up,” Tim said bluntly.

“Why me?” Dick wheezed.

“Hm?”

He sat up and glared at his companions. “WHY THE HELL DID WE HAVE A NAKED GUY IN THE TRUNK OF THE RENTAL CAR?”

Jason covered D’artagnan’s ears while Dick proceeded to scream out a slew of obscenities as he tried to recover. When he finally took a breath Jason reminded him, “We have two tigers back in the hotel room and yet the naked guy’s your biggest concern? I’m just glad you opened the trunk and not me. Could you imagine that guy jumping out at D’artagnan?”

Tim sighed and added, “We have so many insane reasons to be concerned, I don’t even know where to begin.”

Dick struggled to his feet. “Our BIGGEST concern should be finding Bruce and getting him back to Gotham before his own wedding tomorrow. We’ve lost enough daylight already.”

Jason went back to the backseat mumbling, “Then quit whining about the naked dude and let’s go.”

“What, we should have left him in there?” Dick snapped while Tim slipped into the drivers’ seat. “Huh? But I—”

“I already memorized the directions to the ice bar. Just get in so we can quit wasting time.”

Dick grumbled the whole way to the hotel. Once inside Dick and Tim were quick to argue about which direction they were supposed to be heading in and Jason meandered off while they weren’t paying attention. When he came back, they were still bickering, but stopped upon seeing what he was carrying now.

“Is that a slushie?” Dick questioned, staring at the long-necked drink container that Jason was now toting around along with the baby still strapped to his chest. 

“An alcoholic slushie!” Jason confirmed. “While you guys were busy nagging each other about directions D’artagnan and I found the place ourselves and stopped at Fat Tuesdays on the way back to you.”

Tim shuddered, “How can you still be drinking?”

Jason shrugged. “Best way to combat a hangover is by getting drunk again in order to put off the next hangover.”

“Do NOT take that advice,” Dick warned Tim. “That is the WORST advice.”

Jason rolled his eyes and started off again, this time with the other two keeping pace. They came upon the entrance to the ice bar.

“This looks like a coat counter, not a bar,” Tim pointed out.

“It’s -5 degrees Celsius in there,” Jason said, pointing at the explanation on the sign. “The coats are for customers, so you won’t put someone’s eye out with your nips.”

“Why on earth would we have gone into a place like that?” Dick questioned. “What’s there to do in a freezing bar?”

“It’s like you’ve never been to the Iceberg Lounge,” Jason noted as he went over to the front counter.

Dick stared at him blankly. “Uh, yeah no! Why would I go to a criminally owned establishment?”

“Whatever, boy scout. Now let’s see. What’s the difference between general admission and deluxe?” he asked the woman at the counter.

The overly cheery girl explained: “General admission gets you into the bar with our basic coat. Deluxe admission gets you access to the bar, 2 free drink tickets, and your choice of any of the coats available. And of course, junior there gets free entry, but is only allowed in for 10 minutes maximum.”

Dick and Tim both figured that the general entry was good enough for a quick investigation, but Jason went ahead and splurged for the Deluxe. “Do you seriously need more to drink?” Dick asked.

Jason stepped behind the counter and made a beeline towards the fluffier section of the coat racks. “You’re killing me, Dickwad. Don’t tell me you’ve never been in arctic conditions? Fur is always the best choice for warmth.”

Tim scoffed and, after paying, went straight to the general admission coats, which were more like heavy-duty raincoats. “Fur is murder, asshole. I ought to tell Damian you wore fur… and put a baby in a fur coat apparently.”

Jason had rearranged so that D’artagnan got his own little jacket and infant-sized shapka, then put him back in his carrier and zipped his own too-large coat over the kid so that just his head was poking out. The little guy cooed and wriggled in his little cocoon, seemingly enjoying the experience. “I can promise you, Damian would have gone for the fur,” Jason confirmed. “Kid may be vegan, but he was still raised in Nanda Parbat. Annoying as he is, he’s got a good head on his shoulders.” Jason completed his outfit with black leather gloves before picking up his half-yard of slush.

“Shit, you MUST be drunk if you’re praising that twerp,” Tim mumbled while pulling on a pair of mittens.

“Can we stop insulting Damian from afar and get on with this? I’m already a little chilly.

Dick and Tim settled into their raincoat-like jackets and followed Jason into the ‘initial entrance,’ where the temperature already dropped significantly.

“Holy crap, what were we thinking last night?” Tim wondered, already starting to shiver.

The introductory employee began his explanation; going over just how cold the next room was, how long was advised as a maximum time for adults, that pictures were allowed, and that drinks could only be purchased with drink tickets due to the fact that they didn’t want money inside the icy-cold room.

And finally, he opened the door, letting them into an icy wonderland.

Tables and chairs were made entirely of ice. Numerous sculptures decorated the room, every single one made of ice. Even the bar counter itself was a solid block of ice.

“Th-th-th’fuck were wuh-we think-k-king?” Dick whined, his teeth chattering violently the moment the door was closed behind them.

“It’s not that bad,” Jason said proudly, puffing his baby-covered chest. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve have only ten minutes to spend those drink tickets.”

“D-duh-duh-dude! We’re sup-p-p-posed to buh-buh-be invesssstigat-t-ting!” Tim argued.

“Won’t take a minute. Get started without me!”

Annoyed as they were, they got right to work, hoping to get out of there as quickly as possible. They tried asking what few employees were monitoring the place, but shifts switched quickly and often in order to keep people from suffering any health related issues from staying in the cold for too long. Because of this, no one even remotely recognized them.

When Jason returned, he handed Tim an ice-cup with a golden liquid sitting in it. “Here. Shot of whiskey will warm you right up.”

“F-f-fuck it.” He threw the drink back then quickly handed Jason back the solid ice cup. After a dramatic shudder his face turned a little red. “Pretty sure a guy could go into shock trying to stay warm with booze in here.”

“H-h-hey! What ab-b-b-bout me?” Dick looked at Jason’s slush drink hopefully.

“Sorry. Used the other ticket for peppermint schnapps. Doubt more ice’ll help warm you up. Hey, check it out!” He walked between the two of them to a solid wall of ice where people’s handprints were showing at varying depths—no doubt from drunken attempts to see how long they could hold their hands in place. “No way! Ha! We were totally here!”

Dick and Tim shuffled after him, but weren’t sure what he was seeing. “There’s no way you can recognize a handprint by seeing it.”

“Tch. Maybe not, but that’s a shape I’d know anywhere.” He pointed to an oddly placed pair of oval-shaped indents. “I mean look at it! What else could it be?”

Tim smirked and had to cover his mouth. Dick cocked his head to the side, still not getting it. “What muh-muh-made that?”

Jason rolled his eyes and slapped Dick’s butt good and hard, making him like a startled chihuahua.

“Ooooh, that stings!” he hissed. After a moment his eyes got big and he looked at the odd indentations again. “No!”

“No mistaking dat ass,” Jason teased, giving Dick a quick once over. “Real question is, how and WHY did you leave an ass print in here?”

The employee working the bar came over, looking a little concerned. “Oh, were you guys the party who rented the place for a half-hour last night? My coworker had some stories to tell!”

With Dick’s teeth still chattering, Tim decided to do that talking. “I mean, most likely. We can’t really remember most of what we did last night, honestly. Did your coworker happen to mention any details?”

“You’re the tooth guy!”

Tim put a hand over his mouth bashfully. “What?”

The bartender went back to the bar then reemerged with a somewhat reddened ice-cup with a little white chunk sticking out of the edge. “According to Jack, you decided to try taking a bite out of your cup on a dare, then freaked out when you dislodged a tooth. There’s still some blood in a few places around the bar if you really look for it.”

Tim stared at the cup, mouth now embarassingly agape.

Dick took the cup and muttered, “Th-thanks for kuh-kuh-keeping it sssafe.”

“No problem. I guess you guys were pretty wild. Though Jack said there were a couple more men and a hot chick with you last night.”

Chances were at least one of those men were Bruce… which brought up more questions. “No baby, though, right?” Jason asked, patting D’artaganan on the head.

“No, definitely didn’t say anything about a kid. Plus, you wouldn’t have been allowed in here for that long if you had a baby with you.” The guy smirked and went on with his story. “I guess you guys played strip poker at some point and one guy just couldn’t get a win.”

Dick’s head dropped in shame, the explanation behind the butt-print becoming more apparent.

“Don’t suppose there’s anything else we did that was memorable?” Jason wondered, unable to hide his amused smirk.

“Yeah, you guys were talking about some wedding.”

“Makes sense. We’re here for a bachelor party.”

“No, he definitely said you guys were rambling on about a wedding you’d just come from. Said it was amazing and you’d never top it. Something about it being the highlight of the Chipendales show.”

Now all three of the boys were confused.

“Oh, hey, you should probably consider leaving soon. Can’t have the baby in much longer.”

“OKAY! I vote we get out of here!” Tim said, starting to shiver again. “Thanks for filling us in.”

“Sure. You guys are legends! Want me to take a picture for the road?”

“NO!” Dick and Tim said in unison as they marched towards the exit.

Jason, on the other hand, handed the guy his phone and knelt so that he was right next to Dick’s butt-print.

“Well, at least that wasn’t a total waste,” Tim grumbled as he reluctantly shed the coat and put it on the used coat rack. “I mean, we found my tooth.”

Dick got a plastic bag to keep the bloody ice-cup in from the front counter employee.

Jason caught up with them and took his time shedding his and D’artagnan’s extra layers. “Sounds like we had a real blast last night. Too bad it doesn’t explain the tigers.”

“Or the guy in the trunk,” Dick added.

“Speaking of…” Tim pointed out a guy waiting just outside of the ice bar.

“Speaking of what?” Dick asked.

Tim rolled his eyes. “That’s the guy.”

Dick squinted while looking the man over. “Seriously? How can you tell?”

“Yeah, seriously. How can you recognize the naked weirdo who jumped Dickwad?”

“I’ve got better visual memory than you assholes. Come on. He looks like he’s waiting for us. Maybe he was one of the other men who was with us last night.”

Dick grimaced. “Do we seriously have to talk to that guy? His junk touched places on me that I’d frankly like to burn off.”

“Well, he’s clothed now,” Jason noted, following after Tim.

“So we meet again.”

“Hell yeah! Figures you guys would return to the scene of the crime,” the guy said, strangely bemusedly. “You fuckers are some party ANIMALS!” He put his hand up for a high five and the guys just stared at him. “Is there something on my face?”

“You’re weirdly cheerful for a guy who was locked in a trunk overnight,” Jason pointed out.

“Yeah, well that’s because you jerks were trying to make room for the tigers, then decided that a cop car would be better to transport them in. Thanks for forgetting me, by the way,” he said more angrily this time.

“Jesus, you were there when we got the tigers? Could you explain that one to us?”

“Hell yeah! We had a sick night, bitches!” He went for a high five again and got the same reception. “What?”

“Yeah, we don’t remember any of it,” Dick confirmed.

“Seriously? We had a team-up and everything!”

“Team-up?”

“Hell yeah! I, Kite-Man, got to do the heroic thing for a change, helping out Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, and Tim Drake!” he lowered his voice and said in a coy whisper, “Or should I say: Batman, Nightwang, Red Hoodie, and Red Duck?”

For the first time that day, even Jason looked uneasy.

Dick, on the other hand had to point out: “Did you say ‘Night-WANG?’”


End file.
